Buddha in Me
You know that saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?” Well, that’s not all true. I often wondered who said that. Maybe they came from the planet mute.
The saying definitely needs to be rephrased like this, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will break my soul.”
A broken bone can heal, but the sound of words can open wounds that fester forever.
Words are very powerful. Words can tear, break, pierce anyone’s heart and it can create emotional wreck and havoc. They can bring joy and they can bring pain. They can inspire, motivate or they can belittle and crush all the self-esteem. It is the words that shape our perception of who we are and of the world around us. It shapes our beliefs, our ideas and it is these words that can trigger our emotional responses when we read, speak or hear them, especially when spoken to us, and that makes them greatly powerful.
Humans are impulsive beings, and we have this urge to respond immediately. We don’t have patience to listen; we are always processing our responses while the other person is speaking to us. Most of us are neither listening to the others speak nor do we let the information sink in for us to fully comprehend and deal with it appropriately. Our brains are trained to play on the defensive and when we are in a verbal ping pong, we do play our best innings at the backhand, without apprehending when to take a pause…think and…then speak.
We are too quick to judge, criticise and dismiss others’ opinions, and our only justification is our righteous anger towards them. If it only takes a nanosecond for someone to react, even to the most genuine mistake made by either a stranger or by their own loved ones, and if the crestfallen face of their dear one or the struggle to hold back the tears welling up in their eyes doesn’t deter the person from criticising and abuse, then it’s not only annoyance or irritation but if truth be told, then it is the ego at play. Think of the time when you were at the receiving end of someone’s slamming. What did all the irritability and lashing out of the other person do to you? It must have caused you to tear up, feel vindicated. And possibly you launched yourself with the irate sentiments in the arena of verbal combat and hostility.
A genuine mistake needs to be addressed with a simple response, “I know it was not on purpose, be more careful next time.” No harsh criticism, no spiteful words, no vindictive attitude can fix any loss incurred, but mindfulness in picking the right words when rage and anger take on our nerves, will prevent the damage that it can cause to both who speaks and to the one it was spoken to. If we all practise a little mindfulness, maybe the days can go by with less confrontation and the world will see lesser conflicts.
Mindfulness is the art and practice of paying attention and being consciously aware, and as Buddha’s teachings mention, mindfulness in speaking is giving nine thoughts to one word. And it’s hard. Really hard!! Being mindful is more of accessing the damage before and being proactive in taking responsibility for your own words, thoughts and action. One of the most beautiful lessons I learnt from the teachings of Bhuddha is that ‘Voice does the Buddha’s work’, and Buddha’s work lies in bringing peace, harmony and happiness with each word.
But how many of us literally ask ourselves “might this hurt someone if I say it?”
Many of us in fact take pride in telling the truth, how blunt, offensive and hurtful it may be, but we shall speak our truth!! Even if what we say is true, does it mean it needs to be said in the most hurtful and inconsiderate manner? Do we have the right to say wrong things to people, even when our heart is at the right place?
I remember hearing these two pieces of advice as a child, “everything that pops in your head should not pop out your mouth” and “it’s not what you say but how you say it.” However, it doesn’t mean you need to hold on and pile up all the things that must be said, all the answers which must be given and all the opinions that need to be voiced. Well, it most definitely means not to respond with or without the intent to spate on others out of fear or intolerance towards criticism, rejection or plain ego.
Learning to stop and think before speaking and especially when responding to others is a very difficult task for most of us. There is no auto control on our impulses, we have to learn it, practise it and re-learn it every time it is necessary for us to hold our speech. It is therefore important to take a deep breath and weigh our options before we utter those words that may inflict pain.
Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.
Kind words can change someone’s entire day and may have a long lasting impact on his personality. Gentle and thoughtful words have a creative force that creates music and poetry and thus, can transform dreams into reality. Words that are filled with compassion, peace and harmony have great manifestation energy. Therefore, powerful, subtle, creative words are a magical force; they can turn a thought into reality, a dream into a vision.
We all have the inherent ability to tap into our mental pause button before speaking, or taking action and ask ourselves, “What reality am I creating with these words I’m about to speak and the action I am about to take?” “Am I becoming better or am I becoming bitter?”
Take a deep breath and compose your thoughts before jumping on the speaking train. Hasty words can chase you for a long time, and there is no taking back once they are spoken. Learn to press the pause button. So many times we regret and feel if only we could go back and undo things and use a pause to think of the right response. It’s a good practice to take some time to think before you speak. The pause helps you to respond gracefully, instead of reacting.
Silence can be the best reply to anger.
People have a habit to indulge in tittle-tattle about other people’s life and their problems. They will analyse your life situation in the most passionate way. While some will defend, some will offend, there will be some who will not forgive or forget your flaws and will go all out to criticise you and will also not hesitate to shove it in your face.
Do we have the urge to respond to them? YES. But do we need to respond to them? NO. If we start responding to all of them, we will never have peace of mind and will be stuck in the vicious cycle of giving back to them all the time, and in some odd way their words will always hold us back from living to our fullest potential.
Not every time you need to reply with spoken words, sometimes the answer is to remain silent. Thought silence can be very disturbing if the other person was seeking a reaction, but yes, silence can be the best reply to anger. It is always good to keep your calm and remain silent. A silent person is a thousand times more powerful than a person who answers, for this person can say things in the heat of the moment and may regret later. If you have to speak, let your be the wisest and kindest voice. Our Conversations should be dialogues and not confrontations, for that we have lawyers and courts!! The heart that is wounded by the words bleeds copiously. Our speech has the power to heal or it can cause intense hurt, so think twice, speak once, that too if only you must.