Have you ever worked towards an important goal only to spectacularly fail because you did something stupid? Or decided to eat cake, despite a goal to eat healthy, or have run away from commitment? You grind to a halt for no rational reason when you’re trying to achieve your goals. The skill and will are there, but something stops you from moving forward.
Sabotage is the act of destroying or undermining something, often in a covert manner. The term self-sabotage is used when this destructive behavior is directed at ourself. Self-sabotage occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values, and the consequences can be caustic. Chronic self-sabotage depletes drive and motivation and leaves us sad, anxious, and with damaged self-esteem, and it is mostly an unconscious act.
Sabotage in relationships occurs in various forms, including choosing partners who are incompatible, picking fights, and refusing to fully commit to relationships. Other signs include unrealistic expectations, chronic mistrust, silencing the self, and losing yourself in the relationship. Career sabotage includes disorganization, indecisiveness, fear, perfectionism, procrastination, Imposter syndrome, boredom, things going well, self-doubt about your capabilities to handle the promotion, role etc.
The reasons for self- sabotaging behaviours are –
- Approach–avoidance conflict: When goals have both positive and negative aspects, they create competing forces. One wants to achieve the goal but the desire to reduce and avoid the perceived threats, physical, emotional, psychological is stronger than the desire to achieve the goal.
- Modeling: Self-sabotaging behaviors can emanate from childhood models and patterns, like a parent who lacked confidence to succeed or the parent who consistently warns a child to be careful at the playground may cause the child to internalize the world as unsafe and exploration to be avoided.
- Rejection or neglect: Being rejected or neglected by a parent can cause low self-esteem and other negative self-image issues. This can compel people to sabotage personal relationships in an effort to avoid further vulnerability and rejection.
- Adaptive to maladaptive behaviours: One adopts behaviours that are initially considered adaptive for surviving challenges; however, behaviours can become maladaptive when they continue long after the challenge / threat has been over.
- Trauma: A child who is violated by any person, particularly a person of trust, may look at the world as unsafe and view themselves as undeserving of good things in life, leading to self-sabotage.
- Fear of Failure and Fear of Success: It’s common for insecurities and self-limiting beliefs to surface when we approach something we truly desire. Insecurity originates from the inner critic that tells us we can’t accomplish a certain task or aren’t good enough.
These remnants of the past deplete our self-confidence and compel us to repeat dysfunctional habits that serve to protect our inner self from the pain of failure, uncertainty, change, and the unknown realms.
The solutions are simple- - Be aware and recognize the self-sabotaging behaviours and the patterns you repeat
- Understand the emotions that lead to the behaviour
- Notice the thoughts and beliefs that cause the emotion
- Work on Changing your Emotions, Behaviours and Thoughts
- Build Self -Supporting Behaviours and Positive Thoughts
- Seek professional help.
