Most people agree that the hardest part of any job is not the work itself but dealing with people at work. And the hardest part of that is dealing with everyone’s personal egos. Everyone has one, but most people do not know what it is, and how to overcome its influence.
In simple terms, ego is an image or idea we hold about ourselves, which we can get incredibly attached to. Most people think ego means thinking you are always right, always the best, but your particular self-image may be the opposite. Thinking you are no good, is also ego. We form these identities over many years, and they tend to be self-reinforcing as we automatically look for evidence that supports our self-image, and ignore anything that contradicts it.
Our egos are also multifaceted. I like to think of the ego as a castle that has been built from childhood. Each success and failure, each word from an authority figure adds to the castle. Our national identity, our football teams, our jobs, our appearance, our children’s success, our home.
All these and much more, add bricks to the identity castle called ‘me’. Unconsciously, everyone aims to have the biggest, best, most beautiful castle, to show to themselves and others that they have worth.
The problem, however, is that self-worth can never come from anything outside of ourselves. All the bricks, all the things we tend to identify with as being us, are temporary by nature. Every success can become a failure, beauty fades, jobs are lost, teams lose, and people let us down. If we do not find value in our inner selves, then we constantly seek to enlarge and protect our ego castle. And work is a place where most people are seeking to feed their egos. Every time you get approval, a brick is added, and you get a little ego boost. You feel good. But on the other hand, every time your castle is attacked by a look, a comment, a criticism, you feel subtle fear, sorrow, or anger.
Whenever you attend a meeting, if there are five staff members present, there are five egos present. Each ego has its own needs. And it is when these needs clash that trouble begins. If you have ever got irrationally angry in a meeting, got defensive, interrupted others, felt hurt, sulked, hidden the truth, or boasted about your efforts, that was your ego acting through you. Most of the negative behaviours which plague meetings are coming from our insecurities.
Judging, blaming, jealously, controlling, lying, cheating, boasting, insulting, avoiding, shouting, comparing, demanding, all these behaviours have their roots in insecurity. And these insecurities come from holding on to an unsustainable image of yourself. When you fight for your idea in a meeting and you start to feel very nervous, tense, angry, this is because you are not actually fighting for your idea, your ego is fighting in you, for its own survival.
In order not to let ego dominate my behaviour at work, I need to know how ego is working in me. The easiest way to do this is to monitor your feelings. Your feelings are a great GPS to let you know whether your thinking is clear or confused. The presence of anxiety, irritation, dislike, any negative emotions, indicate that the ego is operating within your consciousness.
By watching the ego operating within yourself, you can begin to disempower it. You can remind yourself that it is only an idea, that your self-worth is not based on others’ approval or acceptance. By being self-aware, talking to yourself and reminding yourself of your true inner worth, you can begin to disarm the ego.
You will feel yourself becoming more calm, detached, confident, and cheerful. And strangely enough, people will actually be more interested to hear from you when they no longer sense you are just trying to feed your ego. Your motive becomes more about ‘how can I add value to others through my work’, rather than ‘how can I get validated by others through my work’.
The other wonderful thing that can happen when you start to break free from the power of the ego is that other people get influenced. When you are relaxed, no longer trying to prove yourself or be better than the next person, everyone relaxes and starts to be more authentic. People feel safe around a person who genuinely likes themselves. The atmosphere begins to improve. And before you know it, meetings turn into a chance to actually get real work done, instead of losing time, energy and happiness building and breaking castles!
Jillian Sawers is a professional self-development trainer and has a YouTube channel called ’The Department of Silence’. She is based in Mount Abu, Rajasthan, at the headquarters of the Brahma Kumaris.