TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF A TWITTERER

PAPA: You look very happy today, Piya?
PIYA: I always look happy, Papa.
PAPA: Except when you don’t.
PIYA: Very funny!
PAPA: So, what’s the good news?
PIYA: I have a job! And I haven’t even finished my Mass Comm degree at DU. You should be proud of me, Papa.
PAPA: First let’s hear what kind of a job it is.
PIYA: I will be a ghost twitterer.
PAPA: I’ve heard of a ghost writer but not this. Is it the same thing?
PIYA: Yes, it is, except I’ll be ghost-writing tweets.
PAPA: For whom?
PIYA: It’s for a PR company who handle various celeb accounts.
PAPA: Celebs?
PIYA: Celebrities, Papa!
PAPA: Okay, so people like Shahrukh Khan, Akshay Kumar and Amitabh Bachchan.
PIYA: Mr Bachchan writes his own tweets. Everyone knows that.
PAPA: And the others.
PIYA: It all depends. My client is this young Indian rap singer who is the rage all over YouTube. He has over a million followers. This PR company has got his account to manage. It’s really prestigious.
PAPA: So, how much will they be paying you exactly?
PIYA: They said they would start me off on five hundred rupees a tweet, but may raise it to seven hundred and fifty after some time.
PAPA: And how many words will you have to write for a tweet?
PIYA: Maybe thirty words, although Mr Musk the new owner of Twitter has said they are going to expand the character limit from 280 to 4000 characters.
PAPA: Five hundred rupees for thirty words?! That’s really generous of the company.
PIYA: It’s peanuts, Papa! I’m sure they will be charging this celeb at least two thousand rupees a tweet.
PAPA: Really?
PIYA: Absolutely! Please don’t underestimate how difficult it is to write a really good tweet, Papa?
PAPA: (scoffs) Thirty words, and you say it’s a challenge.
PIYA: Do you know what Mark Twain said about the craft of writing?
PAPA: So we are now comparing ourselves with Mark Twain, are we?
PIYA: (ignoring the comment) He said something on the lines of: ‘I am writing a long letter to you, because I do not have the time to write a short one.’
PAPA: That’s a very smart thing he said, if he said it, but tell me if it’s all that challenging to compose a tweet, why has this company hired you?
PIYA: Thanks for having so much faith in me, Papa!
PAPA: No, seriously, I mean you’re just a beginner and you’ll earn a thousand rupees for two tweets a day.
PIYA: See, there are all these aging writers who work with this PR company who don’t know the language of the young.
PAPA: The language of the young, you say. Give me an example.
PIYA: Okay, so how do you think this celebrity is going to address his million or so followers on Twitter.
PAPA: My followers?
PIYA: Wrong!
PAPA: My people?
PIYA: That’s much better! Instead of addressing them as ‘My people’ he will say ‘My peeps.’ Get it?
PAPA: Peeps? Is that Twitter shorthand for people.
PIYA: Exactly, Papa.
PAPA: But this celebrity’s followers will actually be reading tweets composed by you and be going crazy about them.
PIYA: And I’ll be getting a lowly five hundred bucks for it. See how difficult it is for people like me?
PAPA: Peeps, you mean?
PIYA: Ha ha!

(Rajesh Talwar is author of 36 books across multiple genres)