If we look closely at the relationships we have formed, we will see that in one way or another there is a subtle need or desire that we hope to fulfil through that relationship. Even if we look at the basic relationships we have with our possessions – our car, or mobile phone for example, we will see that we have acquired them to fulfil some perceived need or enhance our image.
When it comes to relationships with others, the basis of them is similar. Relationships are formed on one or two things. One is on appreciation and the other is on expectations. In fact, at the start of a relationship with someone, or something, there is appreciation. Each one accepts the other without any conditions attached, with no judgement, no criticism. However, as time passes, we begin to impose conditions on the relationship, because we begin to have expectations. These expectations arise because no matter how appreciative we may be of someone or something, they cannot always fulfil our every need, because they themselves have needs. So, from time to time they are not available for us. They also begin to impose conditions because we are not fulfilling their needs. The stronger the conditions are the more dissatisfaction there is. This relationship then feels more like a bondage. This brings a great deal of unhappiness, and we begin to blame the other, criticise, and struggle to see any good in the other. We forget all the wonderful qualities we appreciated in the beginning of the relationship and only see the weaknesses and defects. So what choices are open to us?
We can do one of three things. We can continue in this state of feeling trapped and unhappy, or we can make compromises, and find a middle ground to resolve the situation, or we can walk away.
If we walk away, initially there is a feeling of freedom because the pain has stopped. We feel happy for a while in this new sense of freedom and look forward to the possibility of something different. However, this does not last for long, because we are still empty inside and will look again for a relationship to fill that emptiness. If we begin a new relationship, we will initially feel appreciation, but we will repeat the same model of behaviour, begin to impose conditions, begin to see the flaws – because the other is also empty and looking for fulfilment from us, and so the outcome is inevitable.
So, if we wish to heal relationships, the way forward is simple – we need to start to give and stop taking. To do this, I must first look at myself. It is not the other making me unhappy, angry, upset, disappointed or empty. It is I who have forgotten my own value and self-worth, and I need to begin to appreciate all that I am. I need to treat myself with great respect and be fearless and have the courage to really see what I am, without passing judgement. To let go of everything that I have done or said, and focus on the real me, the spiritual me, the soul that is overflowing with virtues, power, attainments, and wisdom. I need to find a way to access that.
The relationship with the self is based on appreciation. There is no need to compare or compete with others, and I can go beyond insult, negative comments, and criticism, because it is not about how others see me, it is about how I see myself. Opening our inner eye with honesty, we can see the flaws and weaknesses, but we need to concentrate and focus on the strengths and virtues. Otherwise, I will begin imposing conditions, this time on myself, and therefore the relationship with the self will turn sour.
When I begin to accept myself as I am, I can cope with the changes that need to take place. I can take the opportunity to change the way I think, what I do and say, and empower the self, because I can only give what I have inside. If I have love and respect for the self, I will have love and respect for others. Let me just keep giving and stop taking. Appreciate all that I am, all that I have, and all that I am becoming. Each morning, sit and appreciate all this in a quiet time before the day begins, in silent contemplation, and reconnect with the wonder of the self. To heal relationships, first heal the self.
Parmjit Basra has over 35 years in management and is based at the Brahma Kumaris Meditation Centre, Leicester, UK.
